I've n0 idea who reads this blog though, in fact, I wonder if anyone does in the first place. Over this past year my purpose for blogging has been changed countless number of times and it's probably time to go back to the beginning when my entries were mostly an attempt at recording down the interesting happenings of the day while adding in a bit of what hopefully may be called humour.
Well since then things have changed alot, for both better and worse. In real life, my essay writing skills have also been deteriating and I can't seem to construct paragraphs properly. The sentences just don't seem to flow with ease as they used to, something like this one, for example.
Online, I've been using the internet way too much for no apparent reason, just stoning away doing random stuff of little meaning while I procrastinate about doing the stuff I ought to be doing. Stuff which would easily bring me more joy and satisfaction and be beneficial to me in the long run as well.
So running on the assumption that no one really cares to read this anymore, I think I'll just continue lamenting and ranting, ignoring the fact that such a long entry is likely to put people off, until I hopefully see the light and start living my life the way I want to live it ideally.
I don't know why I really care about whether people read my blog or not. I mean, one of my so called principles about blogging is to just blog what I want to, for the sake of filling the empty gap that I might one day have about my teenage life. Perhaps it's because I've shifted away from blogging solely about events to voicing my thoughts and sorting out the confusion within me. Ok, that sounds a little overly dramatic but it's not all that far off either, but at the end of the day, I think I've started to hope that my friends and the people around me would read this blog and understand my feelings.
Hah.. how cheapo and insincere.. but really, apart from going up to someone and going on and on about me, myself and I and driving the other person up the wall, I think it's safer to do it here in cyberspace. After all, you're probably here because you're either interested in what I have to say, or wondering what I'm up to in the first place. And since this is a one way conversation, I guess you can't blame me for saying things which don't interest you and I wouldn't know if you just cursed at me for boring you and simply stopped reading.
It's ironic though, because I do feel scared and restrained to some extent about expressing my thoughts not just because I fear a backlash of some sort, but more so because anyone and everyone can read what I say should they choose to do so. I fear that somehow they may be used against me; that the more people know about me, the more exposed and vulnerable I become. But yet for reasons I cannot seem to comprehend or even know exist in the first place, I also crave for people to know me on the inside. And I really wonder who does? For that matter, who am I?
No, relax, I'm not referring to those stupid philosophical questions where you question your own being and existence. (I think they don't really matter in the first place, given how you'd realise that you can't be sure of anything unless some assumptions were made and taken to be true to begin with.)
What I'm referring to is me as a person, as an individual in the midst of a society built upon social interaction. Ok, I think I've probably lost everyone at this point, myself nearly included. But while I don't mean that I hide behind a mask all the time, acting and pretending to be who I'm not, I must concede that I behave and react very differently depending on the company I'm with. On top of that, there are times when I feel more comfortable with than others.
Some people may say the times I feel more comfortable are when I am able to let go and be myself and thus I must be putting on a front of sorts. But how can this be true when upon self inspection, I find myself in harmony with the different ways that I may behave. I mean, they're not complete opposites of one another and they're not against my believes and what I stand for. So I conclude that who I am is all those rolled into one. And er no, as much as it sounds like it, I'm not a schizophreniac, it's probably more of a case of environmental factors bringing out the different parts that form the person I am.
This probably seems like I'm trying to sound cheem or something, but as simple as it sounds, there are always conflicting times. The most basic example would be the case of swearing. Though I tend to stay away from the hokkien vulgarities and very lengthy ones which insults the person's mother pretty much all of the time, with some people, I would retort with something like f*** you without batting as much as an eyelid. Yet with other people, I'm as likely to say it as the school declaring a half day for good results. So am I one who swears or not? I can't tell.
Then there's always situations which may potentially reveal a part of me I never knew existed before, but examples of such are best left undisturbed as they fade away into the past, only to be recorded on the fabric of the mind. So when they talk about friends knowing each other, I wonder, who really knows me? How much do you know?
But then again it's not always a bad thing. As Machiavelli once said, the end justifies the means and maybe being incorrectly perceived to be someone I'm not may well be beneficial when the golden rule of "Do unto others as you would them do unto you" cannot be followed. Ok, don't read too much into this paragraph, I don't think anyone will ever get it. I'll probably forget in time to come too.
That said, I just realised another reason why long posts are bad; they take up too much time and I've lost steam to write the other lighter stuff I had intended. So enough procrastination for the day, it's time to do my Phy tut.
Eugene remembered @ 6:24 PM
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